I suppose this story starts with the discussion me and Rosie had prior to the incident. The subject being my lack of consideration when under the influence of one of my pleasurable but naughty habits. The next night the subject of this habit was involved. Everyone who reads this knows how much of a dozy mug I am, so as you can all presume I was, I would say 'slightly' inconsiderate. Although my better half would never see it that way. Rosie was having a gathering, her flat transformed into a watering hole for ten. The night was in high spirits, anthems blared through the speakers, the bed was lept on on, the cans were spilt and ash was not going in the tray. When it reached midnight, Joel sent his cheeky smile my way. The smile we all know and love; head tilted down, eyes looking up at you with eyebrows level and a smile that doesn't show much teeth, but just a little. It was time.
Now, next door was an abandoned flat, perfect. Nothing like squatting for a few minutes, running around in the dark and having Tom piss all over the floor in rebellion. Then, as if I had found a pot of gold, I found Sellotape. The possibilities. Me and Joel walked out of the flat looking for mischief, that's when saw the golden doors of Heaven glowing bright in the silver clouds of a pale blue sky. In reality this was the elevator. We went in, like little school children giggling at the thought of the next victim that skips into the elevator only to be confronted by a wall of sticky tape! genius. And no one takes the stairs at night because none of the lights work in the hallway, you can't walk up and down stairs in the pitch black dark now can you? To us, this was genius.
Once the deed was done, we confidently walked back into Rosie's flat on a hype. This hype was soon destroyed when I saw the look of doom on Rosie's face. I was in the doghouse. I failed in being considerate on a matter that I cannot discuss. I've seen this look before, there's only two ways of getting rid of it, one is easy and one is not. I took the hard route. No party would be the same without a good 'ol domestic eh? So after going around in circles I gave up, she was no longer talking to me. I asked Joel for advice, I asked Kirsten for advice, but neither of them could break the wall of Rosie either. Me and Joel were stunted. We had tried every method, every line, nothing was going to make her come round tonight. So let's just enjoy ourselves.
Two more guests joined the gathering, Sam and his brother baring Pringles, I was most grateful. Charlie had passed out, she had been for a good hour or so, standard. Jon then woke up, after the 2 bottles of wine he downed earlier had worn off slightly, and now half the party was in his room. Tom sat on the bed singing songs in the lyrical style of Randy Newman, Lee Cloke sprawled next to him smiling continuously and Callum trying to gain control of his mind after the 5 beers he had.
At the bottom of Jons bed is a sofa. Not a big sofa; a light, wire framed sofa with the cushions attached. The sofa had been moved over the course of the night and the seats faced away from the party. So I sit on the top of the backrest, my feet tapping the laminated floor. Now, this all happened so fast that I cannot really remember in detail the course of action. I believe I raised my feet like a child on a swing and the legs of the chair slipped under itself so the back hit the floor. As a result, I fell directly down, only to hit something along the way, something painful. My aim was impeccable, not only did I land on the only thing glass that was placed round the back of Jon's sofa, but it also managed to avoid both my cheeks and target straight to my rectum. Once I felt the pain, lept to the side and gazed at the object in question, I saw it was a Magners bottle that still remained upright. I clambered to my feet, choking the words 'it went up my fucking arse' and waddled to the toilet as fast as I could.
I sat there gasping for breath and trying to regain any sense of self. I had never felt anything like this before in my life. I squirmed, I whimpered, I groaned, I left teeth marks in my arm from when I screamed into it. Then I tried calling out to Rose, even if there wasn't any music playing she would not have heard my pathetic cries. I felt a drip. I rolled out a pad of toilet paper and slowly tested the water, resting it against my rectum. I could hear people asking for me. 'Where's Lee?' and 'Leee?' I answered, not even close to loud enough. Just a murmur, it would have been easier for them to hear a pin drop. I phoned Joel. 'I'm in the toilet, come here.' I had to say it twice. He came to the door and I told him it was bad and not to laugh. I let him in. After telling him the story his face was sheer 'shock surprised'. Then he started laughing, I was trying to hold back the tears as laughter made the pain even worse, but what else can you do? I looked at my trousers, a huge hole at the back, looked at my boxers, a hole through them as well, great.
It was time to pull away the tissue, what damage are we dealing with here? What's it going to be. blood or bruise?
Blood. A lot. The tissue was soaked like the first tissue you soak when you have a nose bleed. I was rather concerned now. Joel fetched Rosie, I could hear them outside bickering. 'let me explain' 'I don't want to talk to him' 'no, this is serious, just go in there' 'I don't want to see him, Joel'. Finally he just opened the door, shoved her in, and I showed her the tissue. Her face soon changed.
'I need to see it, there might be some glass'. Fuck. Are you having me on? I bent over, and she pulled out a large piece of glass, that was it. 'We're calling an ambulance.' 'No no'. I said, but she wasn't having any of it, there could be more glass up there. I can barely walk how am I going to get downstairs to ambulance, especially in the dark. 'We'll go in the lift she said'.
Joel gave me that cheeky smile again. I was beaten at my own game.
But hey, at least I got her to talk to me again.
3 hours wait in A&E, surrounded by drunks, a guy with a slight cut on his head wasting everyones time, and I'm squirming on the cold metal chairs bleeding through my joggers and onto the chair. After being seen, having an x-ray and a drip tube plugged into my arm I was sent to the ward, I needed surgery. Rosie was by my side the whole time and she was getting tired and drowsy, after she had laughed her head off every time we spoke to a doctor or a nurse.
I can't believe she spent her night like this, how inconsiderate of me.
Sunday and Monday passed, no surgery, just a new friend in the bed to the left of me. I went for another x-ray then Tuesday morning came. I was free to go. After being on the drip, no food, and pretty much bed ridden for three days, the foreign body that was found in the first set of x-rays had dislodged itself. I wonder when? I waited 4 hours for the discharge papers, then another 4 hours in the departure lounge for my prescription. I had to wait an extra hour because my doctor missed mine in the pile of papers she was given and had to come back to sign it, typical.
At long last I walked out of the hospital, three days I spent in there whilst the sun shone outside. Today's weather; overcast.
