My first stag do

Fuck me. Again, I wake up hungover for another outing, this time, dad's stag do. Men were already at the meeting point when we got there, I think there was 25 of us altogether, loaded onto the coach, had beers and was off. Was an hilarious journey, dads best man was a crack up and when we pulled up at the golf resort, I was fucking gobsmacked. 5 star, georgous, and our rooms were amazing. I got myself a buggy and was set. all the blokes played golf on one of the two courses and me and my brothers just drove around fucking about, even though our jobs was handing out beers to the groups of golfers. We did eventually do our job. The funniest thing that happened on our muck around was Louie standing on the back of the buggy..he slipped on ice and landed face first on concrete floor..was actually brilliant, made a sound and everything. Classic entertainment. Anyway, yes, drove around handing out beers, was getting fucked myself actually, hadn't had that much food. By the time the game was over, I didn't know what was going on. Me and my brothers were fucking up the fairways by trying to hit eachother and basically trying to tip the buggies really but it was all good. So after the game we had some food from the buffet, a lovely carvery then just chilled for a bit until we hit TOWN! Pulled up in the second cab, went in to the bar and it was rammo, got bang on it and was laughing for ages as the stag do rolled out the charm and hilarities. For some reason I had to go to the toilet about five times because I thought I was going to shit myself, at one point I thought I followed through, don't know what was going on there, but I didn't. I think dad was enjoying his stag do for he was struggling to stand and keep his eyes open, but as the blue eyed boy that I am got him some water and when we reached the next bar he was fine. We danced and we danced in this little bar then after a few in there dragged ourselves to the final bar. Not much dancing there but plenty more of the beverage. When we got back to the hotel we hithered to the bar for some more swifty pints and some non sleeping business. Dad passed out so a fella took him to his slumber then was left me, me cousin and Gary. Billy wanted to knock some bloke out at the bar that looked like a crakhead skeleton with his face dribbling off his shiny head and Billy would have probably killed him so we managed to calm him down, was funny though, went on for a few hours. The bar 'closed' but not for us, we stood outside and still had the bottles pouring in and another fella Peter joined us from the stag do, but I really can't remember when or where. As it got to daylight we hithered to Billy's room where we took part in some festivities, manly talk and arm wrestles...grrrr. My idea actually, the weediest one. Knocks came on the window and before we knew it, it was morning. Men clambered through the window and I had no concept of time. We then went to the bar and carried on the drinking. I grabbed a buggy and drove to see me father, hithered backwards and forwards, getting more and more wasted. Driving around the golf course like a madman once again pissing off the people that paid hundreds for a nice weekend getaway. Went back to the room, bag had gone! but found out everyhting got packed up by the cleaner and put into some kind of loading bay, before I knew it, I was on the coach back and had been giving a trophy for 'Best Non Golfer' and I passed out. And someone please get married so I can go to another stag do please. As messy as Reading and Newquay, minus the mud.

READING '09

I woke up at Megans, very tired and groggy, but this was not going to stop me from Reading Festival 2009. She drove me home, I picked up my shit and sped to Tommos for 11..ish. Loaded up the van with Rich, said my goodbyes to the fluff and set off to Oli's, picked him and Sean up and headed to Josh's, picked him up and then hit the road! Josh had a lovely bottle of whisky that we drank straight by the gulp, I had a beer to wash it down, but it was very sweet and lush, we were now alive. READING!! Blared the Alexisonfire, Lower Than Atlantis and Def Havana and was on it. We stopped off at a petrol garage and I fell out, too soon, too soon, so when we hit the road, I had a little sleep. Soon enough we made it to Reading. Josh was out the window in his Borat voice screaming 'Welcome to Reading, home of Vagina', and the odd quirky comment to passer byes; he told a bloke in a family car that he had nice wheels, and if he fancied a race...in traffic. We drove around 15 mins around the countryside after the gates of Reading to get to white camp, but we did not know if Josh could get in with his mambi pambi guestlist pass, or if we could get a campervan pass, but we did it anyway. Luckily we could get a campervan pass, but Josh couldn't get his ooo la la guestlist wristband, so, as the good friends we were, we took him to the main gate. Half an hour later...and we're in! Let's set this bitch camp up,with our tops off of course. Had an amazing gazebo and a very sexy camp..let the hardcore drinking commence. After an hour or two we decided to look around main camp and what a journey. Filled my camp chair bag up with booze and hiked through. We saw pals along the way and we also saw a few LTA shirts which inflamed us to scream 'GET LOW'!' and hear the reply 'LOWER THAN ATLANTIS' awwww tune. After a while of wondering and getting more and more drunk, getting stopped every 5 minutes because Josh has been distracted by a leaf or a shiny pebble, or maybe people recognising him, gay. We lost people quite easily but we stumbled across some army jackets which we tried on for a joke but ended up buying, they are the nuts. So we eventually found people in yellow camping along with the rest of the boys and they ended up buying them too, we had an army, I think about 10 or so bought them; the firm. Josh went for a piss on what he thought was solid ground by a load of trees, it was not. He went knee deep in, both his knees, and when he squelched his way out he emerged with no shoes or socks on. Being the great person that I am, I peeped in to see if I could see them, to then, predictably, be pushed in by Selb. Luckily, only one foot went in, and I kept my shoe and sock, but still, bitch. This areas quite blank but I think we went to the fair, rode the waltzers, nearly sick. Then I remember constantly trying to get naughties but signal was shit there. This night is a blur, I just remember doing a lot of walking, seeing a lot of people, and taking what I thought was a doobie....it wasn't, it was much worse. That's when it went downhill, went back to the fair and went sick on the dodgems, Selb didn't let me drive much because going round in circles didn't get us far, but ramming Josh and someone else then having 3 other people do the same at the same time, I remember, was hilarious. I bought a shit expsensive burger, spilt cider in a girls burger which sparked an argument, got a pole thrown at me for some odd reason which then sparked another row and then the long walk back to the van, where I laid there thinking I was going to die, but I didn't for I arose the next morning, feeling like I had, and wishing that I had.



So this is the day the bands kick off, can't wait, we started walking, it was pissing down, and windy as fuck, but we pressured on, got there. Smuggled in a couple of cans on the inside pockets of the army jackets, terrific buy, what a find. Watched a bit of Dananananaykroyd or whatever, then The Ghost of a Thousand, but I saw Stacey so I jammed with her through that. I turned around halfway through set to see Josh monged out his fucking head; mouth open wide and eyes drooping, looking like he was hypnotised or something, was extremely comical. From now on I believe it is all a blur, I remember seeing Alexisonfire, New Found Glory and then when it reached Funeral I was mullered. Two girls went through the crowd on seperate occassions selling jelly shots, a fellow me and Oli was with bought about 10 for us, which soon hit home, and we started pits?!?! They're sound cut out and the crowd chanting 'You're not singing anymore..and sit down shut up' was highly enjoyable, but after that I believe I was buying beers by the 2 which then led to beers by the four. Fall Out Boy played along with Deftones but I stood at the side lines wathing these, struggling to stand, when it got to Placebo I decided to go back to Yellow where Jess looked after me as I charged my phone for a tenner for five minutes, I was impatient, and calming me down as I asked little children to Fuck Me! After this, and telling a girl what school she went to, when clearly she knew what school she went to, I passed out, I did not wake up til 2am. Pissed! Missed a whole night, why did no one wake me? Fuming. So I jammed a bit, had a couple of beers, couple of laughing gas balloons, then set off back to white on my cold lonesome.

Saturday came around, and I felt fine. But hungry, so we went in to town for Nandos!! Tried to get into Primark but where was the fucking door, then we bought a beer bong! Had a couple of cans when we got back, played Roxanne, was nearly sick, then set off. On the boat I could feel myself getting there, we got off and had a little dance then it was time to get up. Watched a few good bands, then got excited when Thursday came on and nearly cried haha then went and saw BMTH, then finished on Rise Against, but this all a blur really, pretty fucked. When we hithered to yellow camp I was treated like a king. Had Heather with her sleeping bag keeping one leg warm, Maddy sitting on my other leg, I leant back against Oli (not gay) and had wine poured into my mouth (which the girls actually found in the toilets.....fuck it) and a doob went around and was placed in my mouth...like a king!! I remember talking too much shit that night. But after many laughs, I again, left it too late and walked back to white by myself. I walked all the way back and bumped into Josh two minutes away from bed, he was going Silent Disco so I was like..fuck it. But when we got there, it was he rubbish one in white, and it was shocking. Josh had a friend that was like some kind of person that worked for Warner or some shit..who had a FIVE STAR hotel room, so we walked her to the front gate at red, walked on the outskirts along the Thames which nearly got us into fights a couple of times with chavs but we reached a cabbie and arrived at the hotel. OMG. There were shoe cleaners at your door, fruit bowls, ALCOHOL...SHOWER and and and a clean motherfucking toilet, I was in Heaven. And after taking chemicals all these were gorgeousssssss. The bed was insanely comfortable, we had two queen size, apparently Josh was cuddling up to me at points in the night, I didn't notice, clearly enjoyed it. Woke up feeling fresher than ever, but had another shower anyway, we walked out the next day in the same trampy clothes, I had a massive tear in my shorts, right by my arse and had a filthy army jacket on, the posh people did not look impressed.

So, Sunday, the final day, corr it's gone quick. Me and Josh met his girlfriend after buying a ticket off a tout...BAD IDEA. Got all the way back to camp, she went to the writband exchange. VOID! Furious, so Josh packed up his stuff and headed off home. Sad times. But the show must go on, so cracked open some beers and dived into the cider. Got to the arena to see AFI, Gallows, Chase N Status, Lady Soveriegn, Brand New, Crystal Castles and ended superbly on Lost Prophets. During this day I had my beloved yorkshire pudding with mash, sausage and gravy, some naughties and many a beverage. Looked after Maddy for some of the night because she went in the pit for Gallows and came out with a bleeding nose, and for the end of Lost Prophets I collapsed again through heat exhaustion and fuckedness. But headed back to yellow for a while and the atmosphere was crazy, smoke was everywhere, people were crazy and I was coming down, lets head back to white, and friends in yellow came back wiht for they did not trust sleeping seen as they were on the path basically, not a good idea, shouldv'e thought ahead.